


A Language All Our Own

by Kriegsandharris



Category: USWNT - Fandom, Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 18:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4447508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kriegsandharris/pseuds/Kriegsandharris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With three different languages to choose from, Ali and Ashlyn would hope that they could find the words to express their feelings. Through personal struggles, they learn to work dependently on each other, and soon find that there is no need for words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Early Morning Meeting

Liebe. Liebe is the word on Alexandra's mind as she wakes up in tangled, unfamiliarly white sheets. Love. Ali feels a strand of hair tugging at her scalp as she adjusts the bun sitting on top of her head. She pulls her legs out of the sheets and swings them to the cold carpet floor before releasing her hair from the painful bun. She rubs her tired face in an effort to awaken herself. Ali stands up in the sports bra and practice shorts she threw on the previous night before letting herself relax into a rejuvenating sleep. Seeing the light brown mop of Kelleys hair peeking out from the sheets of the bed opposite her own, Ali carefully tiptoes across the room in an effort not to wake her roommate.

Ali quickly brushes her teeth, washes her face, and applies a satisfactory amount of mascara before exchanging her sports bra for a new one, throwing on a tank top, and finding a pair of spandex to lift in. Once ready, she grabs her room key and quietly enters the hall. She looks down at her phone to catch the time. 5:17 am. Perfect. Just the right amount of time to get in a lifting session before 6:30 practice. As Ali turns the corner, she is startled by the presence of Megan and Sydney in the hall. "Holy shit," she is certain she can see Megan saying to Syd. As a kid, she learned to read lips quickly, not realizing that everyone else didn't do the same. "What do we do?"

"Hello?" Ali mumbles, cautious of being too loud without her hearing aids in.

"Al," Megan signs to Ali. "New girl is a mess. Something happened with her family. I think it's her brother."

"What happened?" Ali quizzically signs back, her eyebrows furrowed downwards.

"I don't know, but she just kicked both of us out," Megan explains. "Here-" Megan stops signing to rummage through her bag. She hands Ali the key to their room, and gives her a knowing look. "See what you can do, don't push her too hard though."

"What!?" Ali begins to say out loud. But before she could conjure an explanation out of Megan, she is gone, and Ali is left alone with nothing but the picture of the innocent looking new goal keeper in her head.

Well there goes lifting, she thinks to herself as she inserts the room key into the door directly in front of her.

Ali walks into room 534, a bit hesitant- here she is, about to bear all to a girl that just joined the team three days ago. Shit, she wasn't even sure if here name was Ashton  
or Ashlyn. She knocks lightly on the wooden door. "Ash?" She notices that the door is ever so slightly cracked open and she pushes it to reveal a room that is completely torn apart. She ignores it, and turns directly into the bathroom. "Oh Ash..."

Ashlyn is sat in the tub in a sports bra and leggings, her hair haphazardly tossed into a bun on top of her head. She looks up, and Ali learns that there is a shade of hazel that almost appears to burn. Her heart drops looking at the pathetic state of the new goal keeper. Ashlyn looks up, remembering that her new teammate is deaf. "Get the fuck out of here," Ashlyn says with an intensity that doesn't match the personality Ali had imagined she possessed.

Ali sits on the closed toilet, and calmly denies Ashlyn's request. "I'm not leaving until you're okay."

And with that, Ashlyn breaks down into tears. Not the quiet kind, that gently fall onto cheeks then roll down your neck, but the ones that make improvised streams down your face. The ones that make your entire being hurt. The tears that have no plans of ever stopping, even if they cease to exist on the outside. Ali notices that the skin peeking out beyond the tattoos on her arm is flushed completely red, burdened with the frustration of not being able to save the world.

Ali sits quietly, consumed in her own thoughts. All she wanted out of the morning was a nice peaceful lifting session, but instead, she was now sitting with the high cheeked girl that she hardly knew, wondering if the blonde even knew she was deaf.

Ashlyn looks up once again. "Why the fuck would he do this!?" Ashlyn begins clawing at her skin, desperate to escape the pain that was dumped on her earlier in the morning.

Just as Ali begins to feel helpless, Christie peeks her head around the corner of the bathroom, her braid whipping across her shoulder. "Oh hun."

Christie moves fast into the bathroom, immediately crouching down on the tile floor to get face level with Ashlyn. She reaches a hand onto her back, and rubs it in circles. She looks up to find a lost looking Ali. "Go grab your hearing aids Al." Ali obliges, and moves out of the bathroom. With Ali out and more space, Christie moves one arm under Ashlyn's arms, one arm under the crook of her knees, then swiftly picks up Ashlyn's limp body. Christie gingerly places her on the bed that occupies most of the room. Ashlyn places her folded hands over her tearful eyes, and the sobs continue to escape her.

Ali walks back in, and Christie motions for her to sit on the other side of the Ashlyn. Christie and Ali sit in silence, letting the screams echo through the room. Christie rubs Ashlyn's back in an effort to calm her. Ali is thankful for the motherly presence of Christie- she always seems to know what to do when anyone is upset. "You guys have no idea," Ashlyn says bluntly as she begins to calm down. Ali avoids chuckling as the irony of what Ashlyn says hits her.

"Oh but I do," Ali says seriously as she turns to Ashlyn. Ashlyn raises her eyebrows, as if to inquire more about the statement Ali just made. Christie silently gets up and leaves, anticipating the conversation that is about to take place. "Ash, my brother did the same thing three years ago. It's scary, I get it. I get it." Ash nods, and the two get lost comfortable silence.

It was three years ago that Ali had received the same heart wrenching call. Kyle overdosed. He's in the hospital. No, he's not okay. I don't know if he's gonna make it Al. Ali, no, this is not your fault. No. I don't know. I love you Alex.

Ali can remember hanging up the call with her mom, and breaking down into nothing. She remembers Hope holding her in her arms, desperate to take away Ali's pain. Ali remembers wanting to die.

Ashlyn's heavy sobs continue as she eventually buries her head in the crook of Ali's neck and shoulder. Ali is taken back by the gesture of of comfort and trust Ashlyn demonstrates. Here is a girl that she had just met three days ago, who now (unfortunately) found herself living through a very similar journey to herself. Ali reciprocates the movement, wrapping her arms tightly around Ashlyn, bound by the mutual understanding that they now share.

"Ashlyn, we have practice at six thirty, I'm sure Pia would understand though if-"

"I'm going." Ashlyn roughly breaks out of Ali's arms and visibly shakes herself as she walks towards the drawers containing her practice clothes. "I swear soccer is the only thing I'll always have," she mumbles under her breath. Ali sits on the bed, studying the dimples in Ashlyn's back as she throws on a long sleeve training shirt.

"Hey, I know we just met each other, and I might as well be some stranger on the street, just know you can always come to me, okay? I mean it, I don't want to see any of my teammates hurt, and that means you too now." Ashlyn looks at Ali, and nods her head.

"Thanks," she says a bit awkwardly, suddenly realizing that she just broke down in front of a new teammate. A cute teammate at that. "I'm really sorry about that, that was really stupid of me. Just forget you ever saw any of this. God I'm an idiot!" Ashlyn quickly packs her bag, and splashes some water on her face. Before Ali could think of anything to say, she was gone.

Ali takes out her hearing aids and sighs. She reminisces about what Hope had done for her that scary week, holding her as she cried, never leaving her side, and watching out for her constantly. She instantly regrets how awkward she had acted around Ashlyn. She needed to be Ashlyn's Hope, and she knew it. Not a lot of girls on the team get how it is to be caught in a family controlled by drugs.

Before Ali gets too deep in her thoughts, Megan walks in. "How bad is it," she signs.

"It's awful," Ali says, using her hands to respond. "I remember being there, and it sucks."

Megan flops down on the bed next to Ali and throws her hands behind her head, deep in contemplation. "What can we do for her?" she signs with her hands above her chest.

Ali turns to face Megan. "I have no idea," she says out loud. "Just be here for her, and don't bring it up unless she does first."

The two girls roll out of bed and prepare themselves for practice. Ali is thankful that practice will allow her to avoid anymore awkwardness with Ashlyn.


	2. Should Have Let the Ball Go

Practice starts, and the usual agilities begin the day. Ali is thankful that Ashlyn is with the goalkeepers, a group that trains separately outside of scrimmages. Ali quickly jumps over a cone, does a few explosive skiing jumps, then sprints down to where Dawn is directing the team.

Ali wonders how she can help Ashlyn. Hope was her rock when Kyle was doing bad. She held Ali, letting her cry herself to sleep on more than one occasion. And even though Ali wasn't the biggest fan of Hope now, she still has an insane amount of respect for how she supported her throughout those few months. Ali knew that she was not inherently the care-giver type, but she knew she could try. She needed to try for Ashlyn.

The day is slow and long and hot- Ali can feel in her knees how long the year is about to be.

Towards the end of the five hour training session, Jill calls the girls in.

"Alright, we're going to scrimmage," she begins. The girls all have smirks on their faces, ready to leave it all on the field. "BUT," Jill begins- "everyone needs to be conscientious of how hard they are attacking. I don't want any injuries today, and if that means letting a ball go, you let the ball go." Everyone nods their heads compliantly, but there is a sense of disappointment that there is not going to be a full out scrimmage.

They start out 5v5, and Ali enters the ball into play. "Go, go!" Megan shouts across the field. Ali goes into the box, and Megan puts up a perfect cross. Ali jumps, and sees Ashlyn running toward her. She looks towards the goal, seeing how they managed to put up a defense with the small amount of players they had. She feels confident, and turns her head. Then all she feels is the cold hard turf.

"Fuck" Ali says to herself as she gets up from the ground. She momentarily feels around her head to make sure she's okay, then she looks up to see Ashlyn still on the ground. "Shit."

She slowly half crawls half walks over to Ashlyn. Blood is pouring out of her head, staining the light blonde waves of hair around her face. She can hear Ashlyn quietly groaning in pain. She starts coughing, and then the groaning stops all together. As the adrenaline quickly courses through Ali's body, she throws her shirt over her head and puts it under Ashlyn's. "Help!"

Ashlyn's eyes are still closed as Ali tries to turn her over and control the giant gash on the side of her head. She applies pressure with her shirt on the gash, and then quickly tilts the blondes head back to make sure she doesn't choke in the midst of her coughing fits. The doctor makes it over to where Ashlyn was still laying unconscious, and immediately calls 911.

Although shaken, Ali is convinced that she is fine. She is more concerned for Ashlyn. The throbbing in her head is a, though unwelcome, normal feeling after making head to head contact. Her feet shuffle awkwardly beneath her, and she silently pleads with what ever God that might be able to do something that Ashlyn will be okay. Kelley runs over, and puts both her hands on Ali's shoulders. "Alex," she says, her face a bit blurry. "Are you okay?" Ali's eyes squint into a confused look, and Kelley feels as if Ali is looking right through her. "Hey, Ali needs a trainer. Quick!" Ali can only hear Kelley screaming in the background of her jumbled thoughts. "She's gonna pass out get over here!" Kelley screams, annoyed that no one is paying attention. Ali's heart is beating in her throat as the team doctor starts CPR on Ashlyn. And then, she felt nothing.

\---

Ali wakes up with a sharp pain in her arm. Opening her eyes, she finds Ashlyn laying in a hospital bed on the opposite side of the room from her. "What the hell," she mumbles under her breath, searching for the familiar feeling of hearing aids behind her ears. No luck.

"Good god Krieger, you could at least get to know a girl before you slice her fucking head open," Ashlyn signs from across the room, using the sign for "warrior" in place of "Krieger".

"First of all, how do you know Sign Language, let alone German?" Ali responds.

"Like I said, you should really get to know a girl before you slice her head open." Ashlyn visibly sighs, and lays her limp hands across her forehead.

Ashlyn is a mystery to Ali. Ashlyn is a mystery to everyone. Her deep set hazel eyes are soft, but they manage to look hurt and concealed all the same. Her cheek bones rise high below her eyes, like they are the walls protecting the delicacy of Ashlyn's internal thoughts. She is soft spoken yet harsh, and after spending almost 20 years having to read people's faces in order to gain a perspective of their emotions, Ali knows that only someone that truly went through hurt could manage the expressions that Ashlyn does.

"What happened?" Ali says out loud. Knowing that her teammate wouldn't be able to see her face, Ashlyn signs back.

"You tried to kill me, I blacked out, then I guess you couldn't handle the blood and you were out too." Ali notices the spot on Ashlyn's head that had been shaved. It is a narrow line that has now been filled in with a mixture of staples and stitches. "You should have let the ball go," Ashlyn continues.

"I ruined my fucking shirt for you, and you're gonna make fun of me blacking out?" Ali says, ignoring that Ashlyn was right about letting the ball go.

Ashlyn raises her hands to speak again. "Well you gave both of us nasty concussions first, so nice one."

Looking at the IV line, Ali realizes that she is being pumped full of morphine. She removes the tape on her skin, then rips out the line. "What the hell are you doing there Warrior?"

"Going back to practice," Ali says, a slight mumble in her voice. She can feel her head weighing her down, like her body has a gravity all its own. Suddenly she realizes how bad it is, and involuntarily plops herself in a chair across from Ashlyn's bed.

"Well to start, its 1 in the morning so practice is probably out of question, and second of all you look like a drunk that just got pulled off the street," Ashlyn signs with an unamused smirk on her face. "Your hearing aids are on the table by the way, Megan figured you'd want them."

"Thanks," Ali says, reaching for her small green hearing aids. Her doctor had recommended getting neutral colored ones, but the forest green had become her signature color after she had picked it at age 11.

Ali puts her hearing aids in, then buries her head into her knees, which she had pulled up to her chest. She tries to process what happened to no avail. All she knows is that there is no escaping the awkwardness now.


	3. So What's Your Deal?

"So how the hell do you know ASL and German?" Ali asks.

"Well, I took ASL as my language throughout high school, and I learned German in college. I have a thing for language, I can speak fluent Spanglish tambien."

"Very funny," Ali retorts, kind of put off by how blunt Ashlyn is being.

Ashlyn looks smug in her hospital bed. The two are in matching white hospital gowns and anti-slip socks. Ashlyn motions for Ali to come join her on her bed.

"So what exactly happened?" Ali asks, confusion clearly present in her voice. She sits herself on top of the covers, and resumes her curled up position while Ashlyn stretches her legs out under the covers beside her.

"I don't remember much. We both went up for a cross, and I went out first apparently. I guess I stopped breathing, so they did CPR. You blacked out after that because of the concussion. I think medics got there a few minutes later and the rest of practice was called off."

Ali nods her head, and Ashlyn continues. "I was conscious again in the ambulance and they already did concussion testing on me. You were completely out but stable, so they let you be. But judging by how long you were out, I have to believe it's pretty bad." Ali groans.

"Why did I go up for that!?"

"That's an excellent question there Warrior."

Ali rolls her eyes at Ashlyn's sarcasm. In the back of her mind, the question of how Ashlyn was managing to be okay since the incident the morning earlier happened. She seemed to hold it together well.

There is an awkward silence and the conversation lulls. Ashlyn breathes deeply while Ali absentmindedly looks at her nails. With a serious face, Ali turns her head to look at her teammate.

"How are you doing Ash?"

Ashlyn sighs deeply, as if she is trying to exhale the sudden rush of hurt and heartache inflicted on her. "I'm okay I guess." She bites her lip and looks down, fighting of the tears pressuring the back of her eyes.

"No, you're not." Ali looks at her, and Ashlyn breaks down again, continuing the conversation that was never completed earlier.

"I just- I don't know Ali. I don't know what to say, what to do. I just met you and the rest of these girls, and I don't want to give anyone a bad impression of me before they even see what I can do in the goal."

"Why would this give us a bad impression of you?"

"Weakness. It shows weakness. I have the whole U.S. Soccer organization expecting me to be the next Hope Solo, and we all know that girl has been through hell and back without breaking. She's been through a lot worse than this, and everyone knows it. I just need to fake it 'till I make it, ya know?" Ash shakes her head and sniffles. She wipes the side of her finger under her eyes, removing the tears that she deemed a sign of weakness.

"On the field, fake it Ash. Fake it and play tough, play hard. But right here with me- or anyone on this team for that matter- you don't need to fake it. I went through the same exact thing, and I can tell you from experience that these girls will do anything you need them to. Okay? And at the very least, you have me."

Ashlyn nods her head in understanding. "Thanks." She reaches her arms from out of the covers and grabs Ali close. Ali is surprised by the gesture, but welcomes it.

"Anytime," she replies.

\----

"So what's your deal?" Ashlyn asks at around 4 am, after hours of light conversation.

"What do you mean, 'my deal'?"

"I mean what did you come from, what were you like as a kid, why are you here?

"Oh. Well I grew up in Virginia. I lived with my parents and my brother Kyle- who is now basically my best friend." Ashlyn nods her head, encouraging Ali to go on. "I played on a team called the Sparklers for twelve years, which was coached by my dad- fun times. I got a full ride to Penn State, and played there for four years. In my third year, I broke my leg, got some blood clots, and almost died but that's another-"

"Woah, slow down. I wanna hear this story," Ashlyn says, sitting up tall in the bed.

"So basically I broke my leg, and they usually give you a compression sleeve to put on it after surgery so that you don't get blood clots. But they didn't give me one and said I'd be fine, but turns out that one night I had a bunch of clots floating around my lungs and I ended up having six mini heart-attacks. The only reason I went to the hospital was because my boyfriend was nervous about how bad I was feeling."

Ashlyn flinches at the word "boyfriend", but quickly forgets it and moves on.

"Well that's crazy."

"Yeah, it was, but it really puts your life in perspective," Ali says.

She reflects on the night that she could have very well fallen asleep forever. It was a cold January night, and celebrations from the new year were finally winding down. She was alone in her apartment, and for some reason, was much colder than usual. She passed it off as normal Pennsylvania weather, and wrapped a blanket around herself. She continued to shiver, and she started to have a slight headache. Again, she shrugged it off as being a touch of the flu, and fell asleep.

Suddenly, she was being jolted awake. "Ali, what the hell! Are you okay?"

"What are you-" Ali started, but didn't get a chance to finish as she threw up.

"We're going to the hospital, you're a shade of blue Al," Tyler replied to her unfinished statement. He swept Ali up from the floor, still wrapped in her blanket.

"No, I'm fine. Seriously, Tyler, I just need sleep. I don't wanna go." 

"I just checked your pulse Al. Theres no way. We're going."

They went down to the school medical center, which quickly redirected them to a major hospital via ambulance as soon as they saw Ali. That night turned into a nightmarish hell full of unfamiliar big words that only Tyler seemed to understand. Ali had six heart attacks, and had to get emergency surgery to remove the blood clots in her lungs. 

"You're lucky, you could have died tonight," the doctor told Ali when she woke up from surgery. Ali gulped and nodded her head, then leaned back.

"Well thanks for dragging me out here I guess," Ali said to Tyler.

"I'm sorry I had to drag you, but I knew something was up," Tyler says as he leans down and innocently kisses Ali on the forehead. "I love you."

Ali nods awkwardly and closes her eyes as she always does when those words escape his mouth. Tyler was her best friend, but Ali knew that she would never be able to love him like her friends loved their boyfriends. His dark red hair and burning brown eyes exuded a kind of love and innocence that some girl would appreciate for years and years and years. That girl just wasn't Ali. 

Escaping from her reminiscing, Ali looks back up at Ashlyn. "So whats your deal then?"


	4. Off to the Bench We Go

"My deal," Ashlyn says with a chuckle. "My deal is that I'm a confused girl from Florida who just happens to be pretty decent at blocking flying objects from a net."

"No seriously, I want to know," Ali says with a serious face.

"Okay well I was born and raised in- do you want to get under the covers? It's kinda cold in here."

Ali shakes her head no. "I'm good, thanks."

"Okay well I was born and raised in Florida, and I actually started playing soccer and a summer camp I went to for kids from families with addiction problems."

Ali nodded and tried not to look to surprised. She had already got the feeling that she was raised in a far different environment than Ashlyn.

"So yeah, one of the police officers who ran the camp noticed that I was keeping up with the boys, and he invited me to tryout for the team his son played on. So I played along and went and I made it as the goalkeeper. So this guy- Officer Scott- would pick me up and take me to the games and practices and stuff for like three years until my parents sobered up a little. I loved the game, but hated my teammates. They were kind of relentless, and I had to put my guard up in order to get through it. I guess I still haven't put it down." Ashlyn shrugs.

"What about college and after that?"

"Oh. Well I started playing with the girls in high school- there weren't too many club opportunities for girls so thats the first time I actually got to play with a girls team. High school was good, there was soccer during the week, surfing on the weekends. I got to play with the youth national teams a bit, and my school was really supportive as far as having me keep up with classwork. After I played with the national teams I got recruited to UNC on a full ride. I ended up tearing both my knees up pretty bad, so it was a bit of a bust but it kept me working. And now after struggling to get it together, I finally made it here- until you gave me a concussion." Ashlyn smirks.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Ali says, her voice a mix of remorse and sarcasm. She instantly regrets it- it was her fault after all.

Just as the awkwardness begins to settle, Jill walks in the room.

"Glad to see you've made a friend Ash," she says in her thick English accent, touched with a bit of the American dialect. "How are you both feeling?"

Ali is somewhat shocked at her coaches presence and suddenly feels very awkward sitting in Ashlyn's bed. "I'm doing alright. My pain has been getting better throughout the night, and they stitched me up pretty good," Ashlyn says, pointing to the gash on her head.

"And you Kriegy? How do you feel?"

"My head still feels pretty heavy, but I can't complain."

Jill nods. "How long have you two been up? The doctor said that you would both surely be asleep through the night."

Ash and Ali look at each other, then at the clock. It was already almost six.

"Oh, just an hour maybe," Ashlyn says, covering for Ali. "We both got a good amount of sleep."

"Oh that's excellent," Jill says, pulling out her phone. "Because we have training at eight and the doctor cleared both of you to be released so you can observe."

Ali internally groans. The last thing she wanted to do was get out of bed, and she doubted her ability to even walk with the condition her head was in.

"Oh that's great!" Ali exclaims with maybe too make enthusiasm. She can feel Ashlyn's eyes seering into the back of her head.

"Dawn will be here at 7:30 to drive you guys over, Megan left some gear for you both in the suitcase over there," Jill says, motioning to Ali's team suitcase sitting neatly in the corner of the room. "I'll see you then!"

They both half sarcastically wave to her as she exits the room.

"Seriously?" Ashlyn says, slightly annoyed at the prospect of having to get up after the events the previous night. She struggles to get her legs out of the covers then puts her feet on the cold tile ground. Ali waits on the bed, convincing herself that she can wait a few more minutes.

Rummaging through the suitcase, Ashlyn notices a silver medal loose in the netting of the top. She curiously pulls it out.

"The World Cup medal? Seriously?"

Ali shrugs. "I really don't care about it, and it's a good reminder for me to never let that happen again."

"Have you ever taken it out?"

"Nope. I took it off right after the ceremony, put in in there, and it hasn't come out since."

Ashlyn scoffs, and puts it back in its place. She pulls out each of their practice shirts and shorts, which Megan had nicely folded. "Here," she says, chucking the ball of clothes at Ali. "Off to the bench we go."


	5. Just a Few PKs

And off to the bench they went for the next two weeks. In the smoldering May heat they sat, contemplating when they would be able to get back in the game. The cold, ridged, metal seat of the bench didn't bother them at all, as they had each other. They talked, the laughed, they cried. They quickly became the closest friends for each other that they had ever had. 

After a particularly rough day of camp, Ashlyn, Ali, and Megan returned to Ashlyn's room to blow off steam. "Why can't Jill just let us play?!" Megan exclaimed, sounding more pissed off than Ali had ever heard her. Ali shook her head.

"Maybe she has a plan Pines, we just gotta relax." Megan threw herself on the bed and groaned in frustration. 

"When my position got moved, I slapped a kid with a fish." Ashlyn says quietly from the bed opposite Megan. 

"What did you say Ash?" Ali asked as she removed her hearing aids. 

"I slapped a kid with a fish," Ashlyn signed in reply. "The coach changed our positions, and he called me a dyke. So he got fish slapped."

"Dude, you've gotta be kidding," Megan signed back, her mouth wide with a smile. "How old were you?"

"Twelve- maybe thirteen. He beat me out as a keeper, and I was pissed. It was this bratty little blonde kid named Nathan, and he always gave me shit for being on the boys team. Anyway, there was this disease going around the fish in Florida, so a bunch of them would wash up on the shore dead. They were huge- I knew I could do some damage with one. So after practice one day I found a dead fish on the beach and beat the shit out of him with it. Left him with a pretty nasty gash, it was great."

Megan and Ali were in complete hysterics upon hearing Ashlyn's story. 

"Maybe you should fish-slap Jill," Ali managed to sign to Megan in between laughs.

"Maybe I will," Megan signed back with a smirk.

___

With two days left of camp, Ali and Ashlyn were growing restless, and itched to get back on the pitch. Late in the night, before Kelley returned from her recovery swim, Ali sees the lights flicker on and off in her room.

"Coming," she says loudly, grabbing her hearing aids from the table. She opens the door, and is shocked to see Ashlyn in full gear.

"What are you doing, it's 5 minutes to curfew!" Ali whispered to Ashlyn, motioning for her to come in. 

"We're going on the pitch."

"We're WHAT?"

"Just a few PKs Al, I'm dying to just practice a little. Please?"

"I'm not putting my gear on."

"What ever, just put on a tee and lets go!"

Ali grabbed her Nike Frees and a grey tee, the same one Ashlyn was wearing. The duo leaves the room quietly, and go down the stairwell without a trace. 

Once outside, Ashlyn begins putting on her gloves, and they walk to the goal closer to the entrance. The field is completely dark except for the one light illuminating the entrance, trickling down to the goal they were approaching. "Why do I feel like I'm doing something illegal Ash?" Ali asks, two steps behind Ashlyn. 

"Just shut up and shoot," Ashlyn retorts, handing Ali the laundry bag of balls that she "stole" from the training room. 

"Seriously?" Ali asks, gesturing towards the laundry bag. 

"What, did you want me to take out the full carts? Just go!"

Ashlyn turned her back to walk toward the goal. She jumped in place, warming up her legs in order to defend the balls Ali was about to shoot.

Ali opened the tie on the bag, and pulled out a single ball to place on the turf. Suddenly, she regrets not wearing cleats- she can already feel herself slipping on the plastic-like material of the turf. She sighs, then steps back from the ball.

Ashlyn drops into a ready stance, slightly bouncing as Ali approaches the ball. With a solid contact, Ali sends the ball over the crossbar and onto the pavement directly behind the goal.

"Are you kidding me?!" Ashlyn quietly shouts to Ali. "It's past curfew!" she says as the ball loudly makes contact with the hard concrete.

"Sorry!" Ali says with her eyebrows up. "It's your fault for asking a defender to shoot at you."

Ali takes another ball, this time effortlessly shooting it past Ashlyn. 

Ashlyn looks amused. "Maybe you should play the lotto tonight, if you're that lucky." 

"That was all skill right there, don't be mistaken," Ali replies, a mischievous look on her face. 

And Ali might have chalked it up to luck if it weren't for the fact that she scores again. And again. And again.

"FUCK," Ashlyn screams, harshly clapping her gloved hands together simultaneously after she lets another ball effortlessly slide past her fingers.

"Hey, maybe this right back over here is just that good of a scorer, don't beat yourself up over it," Ali yells somewhat loudly across the pitch. Instead of laughing at Ali's comment though, Ashlyn roughly throws her gloves off and sits on top of a ball that had found its way into the goal. She buries her head in her hands.

Ali jogs over and crouches down next to Ashlyn. "Hey, hey, what's up?" Ali whispers, tucking a stray hair that had escaped from her bun behind Ashlyn's ear. She can see a single tear under Ashlyn's exposed eye. Ali plops down next to Ashlyn and wraps an arm around her.

In the darkness of the field, Ali prepares to protect Ashlyn from what ever it is that is about to hurt her.


	6. Personal Shit

The light coming from the entrance glares against the tears streaming down Ashlyn's face. She inhales shakily as Ali continues to rub small circles on her back.

"My brothers in a coma, I can't get any of my personal shit together, and now I'm a worse goalkeeper than the shitty middle school kids I coach," Ashlyn says, the distress clearly present on her face. Ashlyn thinks to herself that she is being stupid, but then cuts herself off. She knows that she has opened up to Ali more than anyone else in her life, so she might as well keep going.

"Well do you wanna start with your 'personal shit'?"

"I just- I don't know Al. I really don't know."

"C'mon, yes you do. Just tell me Ash." Ali looks up, a deep concern lingering in her eyes. Ashlyn can see all of the crevices of her face more clearly than usual with the way the light was reflecting off the turf. Her cinnamon colored eyes looked concerned, and the dimples that were always accompanied with a smile were somewhat faded. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, Ashlyn knew that the human sitting next to her could be trusted with the world.

Ashlyn raises her hands to sign, suspicious of unwelcome eavesdroppers. "I think I'm gay Ali. Actually, I know I'm gay, and I'm going to die alone. I'm scared Ali. How the hell do you go home and tell your bible-banging family- who has far worse things to concern themselves over- that you're freaking out because of a stupid thing like this? And you probably want to run the hell away from me right now, but please, I can't have anyone else leave-"

"Who in their right mind would let you die alone Ashlyn," Ali signs back. She looks Ashlyn dead in the eye, and Ashlyn breaks down again, throwing herself into Ali's arms. The ball rolls out from under her, and she brings her knees in closer to her. Remaining upright, Ali can feel the shakes of Ashlyn's chest resounding throughout her body, and she relives the pain that she felt when Kyle was in the same situation. Ali kisses Ashlyn on top of her head, inhaling the scent of the cheap hotel shampoo. She pulls Ashlyn closer to her, trying to absorb pain that Ashlyn can't seem to shake off. The two sit there for awhile, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

"Thank you Alex," Ashlyn mumbles as she lets tears stream down her cheeks. Ashlyn's words are too quiet to run through Ali's hearing aids, but she definitely makes out the distinct sound of "Alex".

"I like it," Ali says. Ashlyn looks up from the crook of Ali's shoulder with a questioning look. "You calling me Alex. I like it." Without hesitation, Ashlyn sits up, and her sad eyes flicker about Ali's face.

Without thinking, Ali quickly leans in and catches Ashlyn's lips between her own. She can feel through her lips Ashlyn resisting a sob, and immediately tries to take away her pain. The kiss is sweet and innocent, and it doesn't call for an end. Ashlyn places her hands on either side of Ali's face, and Ali's hands clasp behind Ashlyn's neck. The kiss lingers for awhile, then Ali feels Ashlyn taking in a sharp breath.

Ashlyn pulls away, a wild look on her face. She looks more lost than she did a minute before, if even possible. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her lip quivering. Her cheeks involuntarily twitch.

What have I done, Ali thinks to herself, as she gets up to gather the balls.

Ashlyn continues to look shock and hurt all the same, and Ali quickly slips by her to leave.

"Ash, it's 11:20, you need to-"

"I know Al, just go," Ashlyn says. Ali is shocked by how cold and distant she sounds, and she leaves the pitch alone with Ashlyn's laundry bag in hand.

___

"What the hell was that Al?" Kelley says as soon as Ali closes their door shut.

"What?" Ali responds as nonchalantly as possible.

"You making out with blondie on the pitch at 11:30 pm," she says, emphasizing the "pm".

Ali's heart races while she attempts to quickly come up with something. She forgot that the team was staying in rooms directly above the field. "Um..."

"Al, what the hell are you doing?" Kelley asks with a sharp tone of voice. Ali feels hurt at Kelley's words, and she can feel a pit in her stomach begin to open up. She just kissed Ashlyn Harris. A girl. And Kelley saw.

Seeing the hurt and confusion on Ali's face, Kelley sighs and moves over on her bed so Ali can join her.

Ali sits down and begins to cry. She cries for Ashlyn, but mainly, she cries for herself. She thought that she was confident with who she was- who she was becoming. But by involuntarily coming out to Kelley, she realizes that she is every bit as lost as Ashlyn.

Kelley wraps an arm around her friend, and strokes Ali's long brown hair.

"Ali, I don't care that you kissed a girl. I know that's why you're freaking out." Ali continued to cry. "Shhh, Alex. It's okay," Kelley says softly.

Kelley purses her lips as she tries to think of a way to get her point across without upsetting Ali. Her first attempt had obviously failed, as Ali is now crying like a child in her arms.

"Al, you're gay- I don't care. What I do care about is that you're screwing with the feelings of someone who doesn't deserve that right now, okay? We have late training tomorrow, we can go out in the morning and talk about what ever you need to talk about, but right now, you need sleep. Okay Al?" Ali nods her head, and begins to crawl out of Kelley's bed. Taking pity on the distraught looking Ali, Kelley motions for her to stay.

"You're not okay Al. Just stay here. It will make you feel less alone." Ali nods, remembering those exact words coming out of her own mouth two years ago when Kelley first joined the team.

After being ripped apart by Pia during a national team camp, Kelley was sent back to her room early from training. She cried in Ali's arms later that night, debating if she even wanted to play soccer.

"Ali, I don't know anyone here. Pia hates me. No one on this team has any interest in knowing me. I'm ready to be done." Ali remembers holding the younger girl close and attempting to help her fight off the thoughts of failure looming over her.

"Just stay with me, it will make you feel less alone."

That day was the beginning of their sibling-like friendship that meant the world to both of them. They had roomed together ever since, and thought of each other as family.

With Ali starting to go to sleep in her arms, Kelley was finally able to relax about her friend and turn her thoughts to the only person she could possibly be more concerned about- Ashlyn Harris.

What is Ashlyn doing right now? Kelley wondered, as she too drifted off to sleep.


	7. Mixed Signals

Sobbing. Sobbing is what Ashlyn Harris was doing. Sobbing between Megan Rapinoe and Sydney Leroux, on a bed that was far too small to comfortably hold the three of them.

"Oh god, what happened?" was the first thing out of Syd's mouth when Ashlyn returns to the room around 12. Ashlyn is motionless near the door, and Syd jumps up to meet her. She places one hand on Ashlyn's shoulder, and lifted her chin up with the other. Ashlyn's dead coal eyes look into Sydney's. "Ash, what is it?"

"Alex Krieger is what happened," Ashlyn says, answering the original question.

Sydney looks back at Megan, who immediately made room on her bed for the two of them to have some room. Megan- for the first time- is actually glad she got stuck in the room of three with the odd number of girls at camp. There is no way she would know what to do with Ashlyn. Megan flips the lamp in between the two beds on, and Ashlyn lays down on top of the covers. She proceeds to sob, covering her eyes with the backs of her palms, fingers intertwined.

"The fuck?" Megan silently mouths to Syd, eyes wide with confusion and shock. Syd could only shrug her shoulders in reply as she flips her long braid behind her shoulder. Syd and Megan lay on their sides on each side of Ashlyn, their heads propped in their hands. They make faces at each other, silently trying to get the other to say something. "YOU," Megan mouths with exaggeration. Syd scoffs and rolls her eyes.

As soon as there is a lull in Ashlyn's crying, Syd takes the opportunity to probe at the situation. She awkwardly breathes in, trying to think of words to say. Ashlyn's eyes are now covered with the mascara that was once nearly coated over her lashes.

"Ash, what happened?"

Ashlyn shudders thinking about the events that had occurred on the pitch with Ali. She wonders if her team had detected something between them. She removes her hands from her eyes and breathes slowly. Hesitant at the thought of having to do a part two of coming out tonight, Ash half lies.

"We went out on the field, and she- she's just sending mixed signals to me. I'm hurting right now, and her screwing with all of my emotions is not helping. She's being kind of a bitch."

"Why were you on the-" Sydney starts, confused as to why she came back to the room so late.

"You fell for her, didn't you," Megan says without flinching, a rare seriousness in her dark brown eyes. Ashlyn bites her lip and nods, her eyes filling up with tears. Megan regrets her bluntness as the blonde begins to softly cry again.

"Ash, talk to us. Obviously something happened out there," Syd offers with a sincere concern in her voice. She puts a hand on Ashlyn's shoulder, attempting to offer comfort.

Ashlyn draws a deep breath in, and tells them everything. Everything about how she developed a friendship with Ali over the similarity of their brothers, all of the conversations they had in the hospital. She tells them about what happened on the pitch, and the kiss. And finally, she tells them how lonely she feels.

"Oh Ash," Sydney says, turning to engulf Ashlyn in a hug. She pulls Ashlyn in tight and plants a friendly kiss on her temple, knowing by experience how bad it hurts to feel lost in the world. Ashlyn gladly accepts the hug, resting her chin on Sydney's shoulder as she grinds her teeth- something she does out of habit when she is upset. She sniffles, then pulls away.

"Ali would never mean to hurt anyone Ash," Megan said quietly. "She's awkward, but she's the best friend you could ask for. I promise she doesn't mean to send mixed signals, she just protects herself- to a fault."

Ashlyn nods, understanding what Megan was trying to get at.

The three sit in silence, with Ashlyn resting in the crook of Syd's arm. She pictures Ali's face in her mind. The soft curves of her smile, the defined lines of her jaw outlining her face. She pictures the little wrinkles on the sides of her eyes when she laughs, how bright her eyes are despite their dark color. She pictures her dark hair framing her golden skin. And she pictures the sadness that has to be currently showing on her face.

She quickly inhales without thought, a small sob escaping her mouth. Tears find their way on to her cheeks. Sydney gets up to retrieve a makeup wipe from the bathroom vanity. She returns, ungracefully plopping herself back on the bed.

She turns herself to Ashlyn, who returns the motion by looking up at Syd with dull, sad eyes.

"Oh, come here," Syd says, wiping under Ashlyn's eyes. She carefully removes the black clumps from Ashlyn's face, and cleans the streams that the tears had eroded on her cheeks. "Thanks," Ashlyn mumbles to Syd, moving herself back against the headboard.

"Two more days, then you go home and forget about this- about her. Okay Ash?"

Ashlyn shakes her head and looks up at the ceiling, trying to balance her tears on top of her eyes where they can't fall. She laughs slightly. "But what if I don't want to forget about her?"


	8. Brave Ali Krieger

Ali wakes up with the sun beaming through the curtains. Her head pounding, she tries in a panic to remember what had happened the night before. Oh. Right. Her head continues to throb as she carefully removes herself from Kelley's arms- it feels like a hangover, only worse. She makes her way into the bathroom, and washes her face with noxzema before stepping in the shower. 

Ali allows the hot water to pound on her body, letting it burn her skin a little in order to numb the pain from last night. The kiss with Ashlyn. Kelley accidentally forcing Ali to come out. She shakes the thoughts away, and rinses her body from the dry hotel soap and shampoo. 

As Ali steps out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, she jumps at the sight of Kelley leaning against the frame of the vanity door. "So are you up for breakfast? Let's get out of here." Ali compliantly nods her head and makes her way to her suitcase, pulling out patterned leggings and a loose grey tee shirt. "Five minutes and I'll be ready to go," Ali says.

___

Ali and Kelley make the silent walk down to the hotel lobby before quietly slipping out of the doors and into the warm, fresh Colorado air. "Where are we going?" Ali asks, seriously wondering where Kelley thought that she would find a breakfast place.

"There's this little cafe that me and Tobs found the other day with really good coffee. I think you'll like it," Kelley says dryly to her friend, wondering if Ali felt as awkward as she did in that moment. 

They walk down the pretty sidewalks dotted with overgrown trees until they reach a little cafe with a porch out front. They ascend the stairs, and walk in to the fairy-light lit sitting area. It was adorable. 

"Your regular?" Kelley asks. Ali nods, thankful for how well Kelley knew her. She takes a seat on a modern white chair next to a polished tree stump table. She rests her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands as she patiently waits for Kelley to return. Anxious for the conversation about to take place, she rhythmically taps her nails against the wood of the table. Kelley returns and Ali sits up straight again. 

"Alright, practice is at 4 and it's 8:30 now. We need to be back by 3:30, which leaves you with seven hours to get what ever you need to talk about out of your system. So go for it," Kelley says, her eyes bright with a concerned interest in Ali's thoughts. 

"Where do I start Kel?"

"How about we start with what in the world you were thinking last night," Kelley says with her eyebrows raised, a cold expression on her face. 

"Um- yeah, I wasn't thinking."

"Well that's a start Al. I could tell by your face that you regretted that kiss the second after you did it, so why do it in the first place? And what were you guys signing about? How does Ashlyn even know sign?" Kelley asks seriously.

Ali is instantly overwhelmed by the questions. She didn't know where to begin. Knowing Kelley, the questions weren't intended to come off as interrogating, but they did none the less. She puts her elbows on the table and cups her forehead with her hands. "Kel, it just happened. I really don't know what to say. I thought there was this instant connection, but based on the look on her face I'm going to dare to venture that I was wrong."

Kelley nods her head as the barista walks over with two coffees and two bacon egg and cheese sandwiches. Ali momentarily looks up to thank him, then returns her eyes to Kelley, who looks consumed in her own thoughts. Kelley sighs.

"Are you okay Al? I'm really being a bitch about this, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I outed you, I should have just kept quiet. We're best friends, and I'm just so lost. You know how protective I-"

"Kelley, you're fine. You know that. I'm sorry I didn't come to you with this."

"Did you struggle Al? I should have known you were struggling, oh my god how long-"

"I didn't struggle, Kel. I'm fine," Ali says, cutting Kelley off once again. Kelley's rambling thoughts were starting to scare Ali, and she needed to cut them off before they ventured too deep. But Kelley takes one look at Ali's sad chocolate eyes and knows she's lying.

"Ali, god you're a bad lier! Please tell me it hasn't been bad."

Ali bites her lips as her mind rushes through the journey she had gone on the last ten years. After she broke up with Tyler her senior year, she finally got up the courage to come out to herself. She vowed to never have a boyfriend again. But that didn't mean she was okay with being gay.

She pictured her life on the road until her mid 40's, traveling with the national team. After that, she planned to use her degree in advertising to continue to work with the national team and do promotion. Then she would retire around 60, using her time to volunteer with underprivileged youth and other programs to give back. And then she would die- never knowing love.

She was scared. Scared by the stigma, scared by the standards. She was scared of what would happen to her career. But mostly, she was scared by how her relationships with her friends and family would change. Ali valued the people close to her more than the world, and she couldn't imagine losing them over their own prejudices. 

Ali bites the inside of her cheek, realizing that she had just poured her heart out to Kelley. "Oh, Alexandra." Kelley only used Ali's full name when she knew she needed comforting. She pushed her chair next to Ali's, and wrapped an arm around her friend, trying to make up for the time that she had involuntarily left Ali alone in her own hurt and fear. 

"You've been dealing with this since college?"

"Well, since high school really. I just finally accepted it in college."

Kelley looks down and shakes her head. "You're really brave Ali Krieger."

Ali laughs slightly, letting Kelley's words fly over her head.

"I mean it. It takes strength and dignity and grace to deal with your brothers problems, an internal battle like that, and managing a life as a professional football player all while keeping it together." Ali rolls her eyes at Kelley's soppiness. 

"I mean it! This might be the first time ever I'm not bullshitting you and your ego," Kelley says on a lighter note. Ali laughs elbows her in the ribs before pausing to regain a moment of seriousness. 

"Thanks Kel. I love you dude."

"I love you too Al, and I hope that you know nothing will ever change that."


	9. Crushed Pride and Opening Eyes

Ashlyn wakes up around 12 with the same throbbing in her head, and finds a post it note left on the door of the wardrobe.

"Hey Ash, Syd and I left around 9 to get some cardio in and see the city. Figured you could use the sleep. Probably be back around 3. Hope you're okay, xx"

Ash gingerly removes the post it note, feeling her blood boil as the memories of last night flood back. Her stomach suddenly feels light and twisted, and if she didn't know why it was doing that, should would swear it is the flu. She tosses the note in the small trash can sitting below the desk, and then jumps back into bed.

She gets out her phone to see if there are any updates on her brother Chris from her friends back home. The bright screen momentarily blinds her, but as her eyes adjust she can see a single new message. Instead of an update though, she sees a text from Ali. She breathes in deeply, debating if she wants to even open her phone. With a sudden rush of confidence, she swipes right at the message.

"We need to talk."

Ash's breath catches in her ribs and her stomach twists more severely than it had before. She is relieved, disappointed, and extremely pissed off all the same. 

She can't really pinpoint why she is so upset with Ali. Her subconscious painfully reminds her that she did in fact kiss her back. Obviously there was some conscious decision there. She winces at the reminder, and tries to come up with a reason to hate the brunette with the massive smile. She thinks long and hard. Maybe it was the way she was so easy with words. But then Ash realizes it's what made them such good friends. Maybe it was because she sliced her head open (which was still covered in staples in stitches). But that was her fault just as much as it was Ali's. Maybe it was the way Ali crushed her pride when she opened the bathroom door the third morning of camp.

And that was it.

Ashlyn can't handle people seeing her broken. As a kid, she hid. She kid from her friends, from her family. She hid from herself, if that was even possible. She was her own best friend, and dragged herself through the mess that addiction had left her family with. In the process, she lost every bit of child-like personality that she had- and there wasn't much to begin with. There was no shoulder for her to lean on; when she leaned, she fell. She was the only person to get herself up in the morning, the only person to get her through the day, and the only person to put her to sleep at night. When she cried- and she did often- her ears were the only ears to hear it, her skin the only skin to feel it. So the thought of someone else dragging her though her days, or sharing her tears- it scared her. And so she hated Ali Krieger.

Of course, she is too proud to ever admit it.

Ashlyn locks her phone and puts it back on the night stand. For a second, she hates herself for the fact that she resents Ali. Ali didn't do anything to her, ands she knows it. Ash tries to breath deeply, and makes an attempt to think about nothing. But all she can think about is the way Ali softly kissed her tears away the night before.

"I'm so fucking dumb," Ashlyn whispers to herself as her body tenses up, distraught with all the emotions running through it. She can feel tears starting to peek through her tired eyes, but immediately bites her lip to push them away.

Ashlyn decides to take a shower to escape the world that had screwed her over one time too many. She turns on the coldest water possible, then gets in with her back turned to it.

The freezing water feels good on her skin, which was burning with frustration and sadness a few moments ago. She wonders about Chris. She wonders about Whitney, who had broken her leg right before camp. She wonders about her parents, how they were holding up.

And strangely enough, she wonders about Ali.

In all of their conversations, there were two things that Ali had never talked about- her sexuality, and how she went deaf. And suddenly Ashlyn feels very curious about the chocolate eyed girl. Maybe there was another side to her.

But then she remembers. Pride. She can't talk to Ali, or it will hurt her pride. 

"Fuck it," Ashlyn says to herself, or maybe to fate that had always seemed to find a way to push her down. She turns off the shower, and wraps a towel around herself before grabbing her phone off the night stand.

She unlocks it, and types in Ali's name without hesitation.

"Yeah, we do."


End file.
